Mery Christmas all, we are 7 min into Christmas here n now. I just like to wish everyone a safe and happy holidays to all. We all deserve to feel loved, wanted, and part of something. For all those with all those things, u are rich indeed. How I yearn for my family. While I have remained to stay far away from those crutches that have crippled me in my past. Its now my family that I have refrained from. Ask and I will tell, wrongly accuse me, then I am no longer any part of your life. While I miss my family, I do not miss all the drama. But..... I am lonely. Even in my relationship, I feel so alone. This is not good at all. Kimmy is at the darkest place ever. Not seeing her son and her granddaughter is 1 of many reasons she is depressed. Not that im diagnosing her, but I do see the trends. Man its tough to not use that old friend. The old friend that kept me company oh so many nights, while all alone. My good old best friend hardly ever let me down, not like most friends and family.
It feels sooo good to know that the above paragraph about the old friend is just bullshit. My old friend is a liar, thief, conniver, waste of life. With all the bullshit going on in my life nothing could make me go back. I've done the research, its still the same. It still leads u to certainty. You are certainly going to lie, cheat, steal, beg, borrow, and anything else you CAN do to get what u need.That's it, not sugar coated, just the fuckn way it is.
If ya feel u just can't handle things, the kids, the bills, the pressures, the ole man, the ole lady, never ever never give up the hope that things will get better. No matter if you have been clean for 5 years or 5 min, u still deserve it. Do not ever sell yourself short, people will do that for you, DO NOT DO IT TO YOURSELF EVER.
Merry Christmas All
gary
Monday, December 25, 2017
Monday, April 17, 2017
hi all, well its been a long time as usual. It seems like I tend to come here after a real tough time. Well yesterday was another 1 of those times. After a few years of trying to ask my step father to get together for a game of golf anytime, just together. Nothing ever came to fruition. Last night at Easter dinner, my sister's boyfriend who just served 3 yrs in jail was asked in front of me, by my stepfather, to go and play some golf. I was not invited. My heart sank in my chest, then as usual it turned to anger and I abruptly asked my girlfriend to join me in leaving. I never said anything to my girlfriend about it. Today as I woke up it was still right on my mind. So I retold the situation to my trusted girlfriend. She was surprised too, since she has known and heard me mention the game of golf thing for 3 yrs or so.
I am not certain if this is a payback of sorts. I have not been visiting nowhere near as much as I did years ago. While this will not change for the near future, I'm afraid. I will admit that I am mad as hell at him, and will do nothing to go out of my way for him. He is married to my mother. I am more then willing to give what I get though. My mom is not happy anymore, she has talked about leaving in the past. You most certainly cannot pick your family, but I can pick and determine if and when and who I spend my final days with. Never have I delved so deep within myself, to try and determine which path I will choose.
There is 1 major difference, that any choice I make, I make with a clear mind, body, and spirit. You would almost think it would be so much easier, but it's not. Clear mind's feel emotions, it know's there will be consequences to some decisions. Every year that passes still brings me more of my senses being sharper. In the 1st few years the changes were minute by minute, then, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, etc. I am so grateful for today, I will do my best, to be the best, I can be.
Family has played a very, very large part in all my addictions and struggles in life. Never living up to expectations, guilt, abandonment, mental and sexual abuse, have all been a part of my households while growing up. Before being told to leave the family household at age 15-16. I came from a very small town and I was by far the only child to be kicked out of the family home at the time. I would sneek into a elderly man's garage at night and sleep up in the rafters in his garage. I would hav to burn lil bits of paper in an old cookie tin to keep warm. My lil sister would bring me some scraps of food when she could. That event taught me a very important lesson in life that would repeat itself over and over again. Those that loved or you thought loved you, could also very easily just stop loving, and much worse, hurt you.
No matter where you are in life, it gets better. Be prepared to do the work, and reap the GREAT REWARD of being sober and clear headed. Never will I surrender to nonsense that destroyed my life for years. You can too. It all STARTS TODAY. YOU HAV DONE UR LAST 1. Take charge and fight to get your life back. Just believe in yourself, be true, be honest, be diligent, and you can succeed. After saying no to that 1st one, makes you a hero. Then you just keep getting prouder and prouder! KEEP IT SIMPLE & ONE DAY AT A TIME !!
I am not certain if this is a payback of sorts. I have not been visiting nowhere near as much as I did years ago. While this will not change for the near future, I'm afraid. I will admit that I am mad as hell at him, and will do nothing to go out of my way for him. He is married to my mother. I am more then willing to give what I get though. My mom is not happy anymore, she has talked about leaving in the past. You most certainly cannot pick your family, but I can pick and determine if and when and who I spend my final days with. Never have I delved so deep within myself, to try and determine which path I will choose.
There is 1 major difference, that any choice I make, I make with a clear mind, body, and spirit. You would almost think it would be so much easier, but it's not. Clear mind's feel emotions, it know's there will be consequences to some decisions. Every year that passes still brings me more of my senses being sharper. In the 1st few years the changes were minute by minute, then, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, etc. I am so grateful for today, I will do my best, to be the best, I can be.
Family has played a very, very large part in all my addictions and struggles in life. Never living up to expectations, guilt, abandonment, mental and sexual abuse, have all been a part of my households while growing up. Before being told to leave the family household at age 15-16. I came from a very small town and I was by far the only child to be kicked out of the family home at the time. I would sneek into a elderly man's garage at night and sleep up in the rafters in his garage. I would hav to burn lil bits of paper in an old cookie tin to keep warm. My lil sister would bring me some scraps of food when she could. That event taught me a very important lesson in life that would repeat itself over and over again. Those that loved or you thought loved you, could also very easily just stop loving, and much worse, hurt you.
No matter where you are in life, it gets better. Be prepared to do the work, and reap the GREAT REWARD of being sober and clear headed. Never will I surrender to nonsense that destroyed my life for years. You can too. It all STARTS TODAY. YOU HAV DONE UR LAST 1. Take charge and fight to get your life back. Just believe in yourself, be true, be honest, be diligent, and you can succeed. After saying no to that 1st one, makes you a hero. Then you just keep getting prouder and prouder! KEEP IT SIMPLE & ONE DAY AT A TIME !!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
