2018 Springtime in Niagara

     Hi, its almost May and I am starting the construction season in full swing. While many parts of my life have changed over the years, work has been one of the exceptions. Its been the one thing that I have continued to keep a commitment with. I do have a job I enjoy, is outside, and provides me with a steady source of good income, as well as a pension fund second to none. Its no wonder it the one thing in my life that I have remained totally committed to.
     Ok that's enough of the easy stuff, man my family has not talked to me in over a year. I refuse to go to their house after my last visit a year ago. The day I go to my parents house and do not feel welcomed in the least, and then to be belittled by someone who years ago told me" my step father wasn't in this relationship for more kids he has kids of his own" was the last straw. I have been asked what is wrong and have not said nothing over the phone by way of emails. I have not had a visit in 3 yrs. We all live in the same city and drive. I have been cast aside for the last time by my mother and her mates. My sister lives with my mom so I don't hear from her or my only nephew either. So that part of my life is a fukn disaster. Life goes on and guess what, STILL NO DOPE!!!!!! Of course, I am smiling cuz its still soooo good. Ive heard some snikers and questions about my separation with my family = drug use by me. WRONG and I told my mom just like that. It was soo cool to tell her she knew fuk all. Yet it was the truth so it was sooooo cool and all. Not right to feel that way, its the truth though. OK folks stay safe and min by min stay clean.

Christmas Eve 2017

Mery Christmas all, we are 7 min into Christmas here n now. I just like to wish everyone a safe and happy holidays to all. We all deserve to feel loved, wanted, and part of something. For all those with all those things, u are rich indeed. How I yearn for my family. While I have remained to stay far away from those crutches that have crippled me in my past. Its now my family that I have refrained from. Ask and I will tell, wrongly accuse me, then I am no longer any part of your life. While I miss my family, I do not miss all the drama. But..... I am lonely. Even in my relationship, I feel so alone. This is not good at all. Kimmy is at the darkest place ever. Not seeing her son and her granddaughter is 1 of many reasons she is depressed. Not that im diagnosing her, but I do see the trends. Man its tough to not use that old friend. The old friend that kept me company oh so many nights, while all alone. My good old best friend hardly ever let me down, not like most friends and family.
     It feels sooo good to know that the above paragraph about the old friend is just bullshit. My old friend is a liar, thief, conniver, waste of life. With all the bullshit going on in my life nothing could make me go back. I've done the research, its still the same. It still leads u to certainty. You are certainly going to lie, cheat, steal, beg, borrow, and anything else you CAN do to get what u need.That's it, not sugar coated, just the fuckn way it is.
     If ya feel u just can't handle things, the kids, the bills, the pressures, the ole man, the ole lady, never ever never give up the hope that things will get better. No matter if you have been clean for 5 years or 5 min, u still deserve it. Do not ever sell yourself short, people will do that for you, DO NOT DO IT TO YOURSELF EVER.
    Merry Christmas All

                                    gary

hi all, well its been a long time as usual. It seems like I tend to come here after a real tough time. Well yesterday was another 1 of those times. After a few years of trying to ask my step father to get together for a game of golf anytime, just together. Nothing ever came to fruition. Last night at Easter dinner, my sister's boyfriend who just served 3 yrs in jail was asked in front of me, by my stepfather, to go and play some golf. I was not invited. My heart sank in my chest, then as usual it turned to anger and I abruptly asked my girlfriend to join me in leaving. I never said anything to my girlfriend about it. Today as I woke up it was still right on my mind. So I retold the situation to my trusted girlfriend. She was surprised too, since she has known and heard me mention the game of golf thing for 3 yrs or so.

I am not certain if this is a payback of sorts. I have not been visiting nowhere near as much as I did years ago. While this will not change for the near future, I'm afraid. I will admit that I am mad as hell at him, and will do nothing to go out of my way for him. He is married to my mother. I am more then willing to give what I get though. My mom is not happy anymore, she has talked about leaving in the past. You most certainly cannot pick your family, but I can pick and determine if and when and who I spend my final days with. Never have I delved so deep within myself, to try and determine which path I will choose.

There is 1 major difference, that any choice I make, I make with a clear mind, body, and spirit. You would almost think it would be so much easier, but it's not. Clear mind's feel emotions, it know's there will be consequences to some decisions. Every year that passes still brings me more of my senses being sharper. In the 1st few years the changes were minute by minute, then, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, etc. I am so grateful for today, I will do my best, to be the best, I can be.

Family has played a very, very large part in all my addictions and struggles in life. Never living up to expectations, guilt, abandonment, mental and sexual abuse,  have all been a part of my households while growing up. Before being told to leave the family household at age 15-16. I came from a very small town and I was by far the only child to be kicked out of the family home at the time. I would sneek into a elderly man's garage at night and sleep up in the rafters in his garage. I would hav to burn lil bits of paper in an old cookie tin to keep warm. My lil sister would bring me some scraps of food when she could. That event taught me a very important lesson in life that would repeat itself over and over again.  Those that loved or you thought loved you, could also very easily just stop loving, and much worse, hurt you.

No matter where you are in life, it gets better. Be prepared to do the work, and reap the GREAT REWARD of being sober and clear headed. Never will I surrender to nonsense that destroyed my life for years. You can too. It all STARTS TODAY. YOU HAV DONE UR LAST 1. Take charge and fight to get your life back. Just believe in yourself, be true, be honest, be diligent, and you can succeed. After saying no to that 1st one, makes you a hero. Then you just keep getting prouder and prouder! KEEP IT SIMPLE & ONE DAY AT A TIME !!

2015 Things are great, well, sort of...lol

Hi, gary here, how are things in your life. If life is smooth consider yourself very lucky. Staying away from all things that are negative to our well being can be boring, stressful, physically painful,a and downright dreadful. ALWAYS ALWAYS  ALWAYS  remember, it gets BETTER, if we try to do something about it. You will see that little things in life will happen, and you will wonder why, how, I can't believe it. Well good things happen to us, when we try to better ourselves. It happens many different ways too. I remember early in my recovery, some weird things happening. By weird at that time it meant positive things happening. All I could figure out was that it was happening because I was trying to be a better person, in my house, to my community, as a partner, a brother, an uncle, etc. It all seemed to weird. I always was a taker. When I started giving, the goodness of others really touched me. I just know that it was a sign to continue on this passage. Now im not the most god fearing person, but, that message did com from somewhere.
     Guilt has really cost me so much heartache so far in my life. I used guilt as a means to justify my addictions for sooo long.. I still harbor much guilt in my life. There is definite work to be done on that front. Its painful to recount all the reasons I have  some deeply rooted guilt. I have been burying guilt in the deepest reaches of myself. This is an area I have never really touched apon with ANYONE. I missed my fathers death, I might have been able to see him one last time although unconscious , still alive. As usual My fathers passing was a time to self medicate with all I could. I knew the end was very near. Yet I was still selfish, stupid but seriously addicted at the time. Dad I am so sorry, I love and miss you so much. I showed you no respect when needed. For this, I will be haunted. I am sorry.
     

I have been awarded the worse blogger of the last 5 years

Its been a very long time. Usually throughout my addiction if ya didn't hear from me, I was in a bad place. That's not the case here! Just like to interject that on myself,lol. Well im off work for the winter.  Kim my most beautiful partner, is coming along after knee surgery 4 days ago. Wow I have a new sense of what involved in a days work around the house. Really boys do not ever take it for granted, and give her some thanks, me kimmy rather enjoys this anyhow. No vacation this year sort of sucked but we have some thoughts haha. So  just checking out some options for a change is in the forecast.

Family and stress,sometimes they go together.

I would like to talk about something that has been on my mind for some time and i know that others go through the same thing. Family sometimes picks and chooses whoom they stand behind and support more then others. The problem is that they fail to realize that they're actions can affect others negetively. I have a sister who is an addict, her boyfriend is in jail, and my parents who are out of counrty vacationing as every winter. The problem is that my sister is not being honest about things and i am the only that knows this, therefore she has distanced herself from me. While doing this she has also told outright lies to other members of the family. I only know this because they have come to me with some concerns and doubts. She has been telling everyone that her boyfriend has been held for 3 weeks and has not been told why he is being held. This is Canada, not the back hills of Afghanistan or China. Thats impossible in Canada. She thinks she is pulling the wool over family members eyes, and she is right to some degree. I will not allow her to do so though. So when i am asked questions by other family members i tell them what i know. My sister has lost a bunch of weight in the last 2 months, and her face is all rough lookin. She looks the same as she did when my girlfriend and i rescued her 1 and a half years ago from a shelter, when she was hooked on dope. She did some hard work and got clean. I think she is no longer clean and is just trying to fool everyone, and she knows that it is easy for me to spot it, and that explains why she hasnt seen me or talked to me cuz she would know that i would see it in her. I will remain strong and will not follow her and give her addiction company.Nothing is worth what i now have.I give thanks for the freedom from addiction. Have the strength to get through today.

Christmas 2011

well its been 1 yr since my last post,for this i have no excuses,and again will certainly try harder to remain in better contact.This seems to be a time of year that makes me look at myself more then usual.I tend to think of family that has passed or family members that i am no longer close with.Its times like this that used to be my excuse to go overboard and abuse drugs and alcohol.I am sure that hollidays are a trying time for all addicts,myself included.The mental obsession never leaves completely,it just lessons.As time goes by you gain more tools to deal with things that normally we would assosiate with self medicating.I have finnished work for the winter(i am in road construction),allthough i do snow removal.There has been no snow accumilation this year,which is very rare for this part of Canada.With alot more spare time on my hands,i am not worried.Iddle hands used to be the devils workshop,no longer the case,i can happily say.I am still in the most powerfull,positive,and loving relationship of my life.I have found my life partner and soulmate,and most importantly the best friend anyone could ever hope for.Kim has been my guiding light for almost 4 yrs.Febuary coming will mark 4 yrs,the most awesome 4 yrs. of my life.I am trully blessed.I would like evryone who is struggling today to know 1 thing,it gets better.With some hard work,the path becomes clearer.Day by day,hour by hour,or minute by minute,however you have to strugglr through your day,it gets easier.It really does.Good things come to those who try to do the right things in life.I can attest to this.