Miss ya Dad,i love you.....

November 29th is my fathers birthday.His birthday was 2 days ago,and has been on my mind lots lately.Dad left this earth almost 11 yrs. ago, and i really do miss him more each year.Since i lived 2000 miles away from the rest of the family for 10 yrs. before he passed,it was different for me.When i moved out west in my 20's ,i left having the a dad that i adored and respected.My father never raised his hand to me or my sister,all it took was a deep breath and slight look away,u tried to be gone beofre his face and eyes came looking back like a camera in a parking lot locked on yours.Man he was strong as hell,and as tough as they come.An d he was blessed with a great sense of haha!My dad stopped living with us when i was 6 yrs. old.He never lived more then 20 miles away all my life except when i moved out west.So i saw my dad every weekend and then some.There are just so many fond memories of growing up with my fathers family.I knew my last name was his and his family always treated me like one of thier brightest stars.Forever in my heart and soul,mind and spirit i will love my father and live in his name.I love you Dad!

CHRISTMAS BLUES!!!!!

Been way to long once again.With Halloween just passing,its time for the biggest holiday on the christian calander.Allthough i am not a church goin,religion pushing kind of guy,i still see myself as christian.Yes i do believe there was a man on this earth named Jesus Christ.Along with this holiday,comes something we know as the "christmas blues".This can be a very real and serious setback for people of all ages,sexes,and race.My first taste of this was when i was around 10 yrs. old.Christmas morning my younger sisters and myself would be waiting as patiently as possible(probably exagerated with age,lol).Mom just didn't want to get out of bed.As young kids i know that i thought she must really not love us,to not want to be eagerly up to watch us open the gifts we so badly awaited.Being just a kid i had no idea that my mother was suffering from deep depression.Today i understand mom didn't not love us she just didn't love herself and where she was in life.Later as an addolescent i really just partied my christmas and new years away.I did that until my mid 30's.With no kids and not much restrictions or cares in the world gettn drunk and high was how i celebrated christmas and new years for 20 + yrs.The last 5 yrs has been very different.Other peoples wants and needs now come first.I really understand why addicts choose to party the holidays away.Many are alone for the holidays,some by choice,and many are left alone by family and old friends.When friends and family let go of the addict,it seems only fitting to let go of yourself.I remember thinking,how could they let me be alone for the holidays,thinking they were hurting me and not caring anymore.The truth was so far from that though,i forced them to let go,I hurt them 1000 times more then they ever hurt me.All those yrs. they knew not where i was,if i was alive.For that i am sooo sorry.So to anyone having a hard time this holiday call a friend,ask for help,and stay positive!!!Happy Holidays

OLYMPIC SPIRIT "GOING FOR THE GOLD"

Well its the last day of the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.Being Canadian,i am so proud of the olympic spirit being exhibited by fellow Canadians,and iam extremely proud of our athletes.They have really surpassed all expectations(at least ones i had),and have represented our beautiful country in an exceptionally proud way.The amount of dedication and personal sacrifice is amazing.To just get there is awesome,but to be able to rise above all others and be the best in the world is really incredible.Our athletes have brought this country together as a whole.Today is the final day of an excellent Olympic games.All the volunteers and organizers deserve a pat on the back for sure.They are the backbone of every games.
In a way i am able to equate my addiction to that of an athlete.I have been working hard at getting myself in a place where i am leading a healthy and productive life.I am a winner!!!I have earned my GOLD medal.I have shown myself that through some unsellfish hard work,that i could rise above my personal bests and keep going forward in a positive fashion.I am soooo proud of myself and my accomplishments.It has taken some hard work and constant dedication,and a complete team of friends,family,and now a most wonderful partner.Never durning my days of using would i ever have thought that i could or would compare my life to that of an olympic athlete.In this battle,that i am winning today,second best will not be ok.I am GOING FOR THE GOLD!!!!

Great day,Kimmy(my special partner) and i did some shopping and purchased tickets to a night of rock n roll.There is a benefit for Haiti in our city next month.Featured will be awesome tribute bands that cover The Allman Brothers,The Band,and The Gratefull Dead.Should be a really fun night,for a very worthwhile cause.Since Kimmy and i were on the island durning the earthquake,we feel a connection to the people and island as a whole.While we have donated some allready, we are happy to be able to help a little more.Since getting off of the drugs that i allowed to consume my life,giving never felt so good and rewarding.Man i have feelings.For so many years i went without feelings.I blanked out everything.I had lost my partners,friends,and family,so i learned to cope by shutting down alot of emotions.I wouldn't allow people to get close to me for the fear of losing more really scared me.Everyday i am so happy to have made the choice to surrender,and admit that i was powerless over the drug,it controlled me.Today i am in control.I talk from the bottom of my heart,and everyday is a gift.No matter how deep you are in addiction,there is hope and promise.Just check your ego and pride aside and ask for help by addmiting there is a problem,Keep an open mind.Never lose hope.You CAN OVERCOME !!!!!!!

Life is Great

Well its been almost 1 year from my last post.It justblows my mind that nobody has even asked a question.I started this with the thought of helping someone through a tough time.Now maybe its time to try and post more regularly,then people would have more faith.My e-mail is on here and that is what i check alot.Life has been going great.Lets see where to start,i am still with the most beautifull woman i have ever met.We have done so much this last year.Just got back from 1 week in the dominican republic.This would have never happened if i was not clean.My long lost sister celebrated her 1 year clean.She is a warrior,i have watched her progress very closely.She was hardcore,on cocaine and synthetic heroin(oxy-contin,and morphine)She is on methadone to help with opiate withdrawl.There is nothing for the withdrawl of cocaine,contrary to some beliefs,the real withdrawl to cocaine is all mental.The mental fascination is emmence.So with alot of soul searching and family support she is clean.With myself and my sister both overcoming huge addicitons,we are both so lucky.I mean we really are beating the odds.The odds of 2 addicts in the same familly both conquering thier demons at different times is so unheralded.The odds were so stacked against us,and through hard work,determination and friends and family with undying support has helped get closer to the final product that will allow us to be happy is now a living dream.My mother is as happy as i have ever seen.She finally has all her children safe and clean.I am so proud of my sister and of myself.We both realize just how much we have lost,and just how selfish we had been.If we work hard,have some good support in place,we can overcome all!!!!